If you are not a real man, don't bother reading this. You hear me? It will be too hard to concentrate anyway with that Clay Aiken album pumping in the background or that Dr. Phil episode you TiVoed. Whatever it is. Not my concern.
If you, like me, do still enjoy peeing standing up, or better yet, in public, then read on. What I'm about to explain may very well unravel your protein-addled brain.
My name is Tom Testosterone and I too enjoy the privilege of straight-legged urination. I do not have a "feminine side." If one pops up like a tumor someday, I will not "get in touch" with it. I will beat the hell out of it with a brick and bury it in my backyard.
Let's say you want to gather up your buddies to watch a game and drink some beer. You decide to send an invitation online. Based on your current options, you might as well just tuck in a tampon and call it a day. Everything available is a sissified mess of fluff and femininity that screams to the world that you actually know the difference between McDreamy and McSteamy.
Don’t be that guy. Ever. Your friends have enough to do. They’re busy. They don’t need to be slapping the shit out of you for acting like Martha Stewart. That’s why I’m bringing you MANVITE.
MANVITE is a free online invitation service that finally caters to the real man. You won't find a bunch of colorful balloons and frittata recipes on a Manvite. What you will get is a ton of features that assure your status as an alpha-male. Some of them include...
- A straightforward chance to accept or reject a Manvite based on its manliness.
- A postgame page after every event that allows you to talk mad shit after it's over. That's right, if Larry pisses his pants and passes out at the bar... he will hear about it... a lot.
- The ability to make events public for the world to see - and, if your Manvite has large enough balls, the chance to have it be voted permanently into the Manvite Hall of Fame.
A real man wants an invitation service that is simple; no bubbling martini glasses, no butterflies, and no pictures of ugly girls smiling. An invitation should not imply that you stay home every night making collages out of cutouts from Cosmo and YM, assuring your buds that they are "best friends forever" (with each word cut out from a different magazine, of course).
A Manvite tells it like it is. It’s abrupt and full of impact, like a punch to the face with a fist made of boulders and metal. When I just want to organize a bachelor party, a golf outing, a night out at the bar, or anything else with my boys, I need to know that my invitation won't get me beat viciously with a rock-filled tube sock.
I'm Tom Testosterone, damn it! My invitation needs to reflect that. So stop the madness and join the Manvite revolution today. Your balls will thank you.
Tom Testosterone, The Manvite Man